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got_wings
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Name: Noel
Country: United States
State: District of Columbia
Metro: Washington D.C.
Gender: Female
Interests: Je suis intéressé à se trouver, voyageant le monde, nouveaux langages d'étude, rencontrant de nouvelles personnes, et découvrant la philosophie de l'amour.
Expertise: Je suis un bourreau des coeurs.
Occupation: Manager
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message me
AIM:  ThenAngelWasLike
Member Since:
6/27/2004
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| 10/17/09
wow, fucking up has become an art to me apparently. the most interesting ways too. i never fuck up the same way each time, always something different. gotta love drinking myself silly and embarrassing the new guy i’m seeing. WHAT THE FUCK. super faux pas. what the fuck. granted yes, i have had the most ridiculous week ever and i really wanted to drink myself into the ground but i shouldn’t have done it where he works. and to have been told by some random woman that i fucked up and he wont want me anymore, yeah, that topped off the night! i don’t know how i didn’t cry. ugh...
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11/04/09
riding the train back to dc from providence... i don’t even know where to begin to describe the beauty in the leaves... the brightest and most vibrant warm colors a person could ever witness. i feel blessed to be in the presence of such natural beauty. it’s one of the things i love about new england. we have true seasons. true and pure seasons. the hottest summers. the coldest winters. and everything in between is more beautiful than anywhere else in the world. to see all of this as i turn to my right to gaze out of the train window, and to be returning to a man i truly believe loves me... my life seems just that little bit more perfect. i’m smiling slightly... just slightly though... i don’t care to let the rest of the world know my secret. that i’ve found happiness. and yes, happiness has to be kept a secret. once everyone knows, they try too hard to find out how to get it too, and become so desperate to even try to take yours to achieve their own. it’s the way of the world. so my method... revel in my happiness, but let no one know how perfect it really is.
yes, there is a man who loves me. a man who will be waiting for me. a man whose eyes look at me in ways i’ve never been looked at before. i know that i’ve been told that i have looked at other men with love in my eyes, but never knew what it meant until i saw how this man looked at me. i wonder sometimes... wonder if he’s ever looked at another woman this way, or maybe, just maybe, i am lucky enough to have this all to myself... if his loving eyes have only truly loved me. i wonder if he feels as lucky as i do... i wonder if he sees in my eyes how much i love him back... i wonder if he knows how much i try to imprint every second we have together in my memory... i wonder if he knows why...
have you ever experienced a love where it is so intense, so fantastical, so absolute, so pure, so simple that you seem not to mind how long it will last because having just that moment could be enough to keep you happy for eternity? i feel that way. i feel as though even if i wouldn’t be lucky enough to keep this man forever, that it would be the best story i would always want to tell. i would have a love story of my very own. and so i want to remember it all. every moment. every curve of his perfect face. every muscle on his perfect body. every enunciation in every perfect word he spoke to me. even every tooth in his perfect smile. i need to make sure that when i tell this story, this story of this perfect love, that i can truly portray the magic this man seemed to carry in him.
yes... magic... because he seemed to make all of these feelings of happiness appear out of nowhere. they came from nowhere, because no matter how hard i looked, i’d never seen this happiness before. and yet here it is, he made it appear. i feel like a mesmerized child. i feel like this will be the best story i’ll ever tell. i will not allow myself to forget one thing.
i wonder... will he remember me? will i be a story for him as well? does he know how hard i listen when i lay my head on his chest before i sleep? i wonder what secrets his heart can tell me. i wonder if it will whisper them to me while i sleep. i wonder if it will tell me if i will have to try harder to remember every moment, or maybe i won’t have to try so hard, because he’ll always be with me, and will remember all the stories and moments that i cannot. it hasn’t told me yet. but every night i spend with him, i’ll still listen... just in case that night is the night his heart will whisper the future to me. and until i hear what it says, i’ll do my best to not forget this perfect love story. i want no typos, no misprints, no errors in this chapter of my life.
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| Okay okay he's got my number and
You can't, you can't warn me baby here I am
Either you make the time or just forget me
I'm not, I'm not tryna run your life
That's why, that's why I'm nobody's wife
But when I want, when I want it
You gotta be ready
I don't want it all the time,
But when I get it, I better be satisfied
So give it to me right,
Or don't give it to me at all
I don't think you understand
How real it is for me to find a man who thinks he can
So give it to be right or don't give it to me at all
Yeah yeaaah
On time, on time I expect you to be
Oh my, oh my baby in my fantasy
You can't get it right
Then just forget it
No ways okay for you to go around
Oh oh, today
You better make a touch down
You know what I like
Won't you except it
Uuuuh
I don't want it all the time
But when I want it
You better make me smile
So give it to me right
Or don't give it to me at all
I don't think you understand
If you can't please me I know someone who can
Give it to me right
Or don't give it to me at all
This is the real life baby
This is the life that makes me say
This is the real thing baby
When I'm alone I can make me say
Yeah yea, yea, yea, yea
I don't want it all the time,
But when I want it
You better make me smile
So give it to me right
Or don't give it to me at all
I don't think you understand
If you can't please me
I know someone who can
So give it to me right
Or don't give it to me at all
Give it to me right
Give it to me right
Give it to me right
Or don't give it to me at all
Give it to me right
Or don't give it to me at all | | |
| they keep coming back... someway... somehow... i let them still get to me... how can i stop?
i’m too nice i think. i try to let people down easy. look like the good guy. maybe i need to stop letting people mistake my kindness for weakness. maybe i need to be the bitch they’ll finally listen to.
how dare they say i asked for what i got. how dare they say it was my fault. how dare they tell me what i could have done to make it better, what i did that made it worse, all of my actions that weren’t enough or were too much.
how come they can never get and accept that it was them? all i did was love. all i did was give exactly what was asked of me. not my fault if they didn’t really know what they wanted. not my fault they weren’t careful what they wished for. not my fault they didn’t think through the word commitment before they claimed they could have it forever for me. so why was it on me? why am i wrong because i trusted? why am i wrong because i had faith? i should have kick on my psychic powers? my spidey senses? right. right. my bad.
why am i the bad person because i was strong enough to say “i cannot love you anymore”? don’t try to keep me because you know i was good, even though you don’t want me, you just don’t want anyone to have me. that’s selfish. that’s unfair. it’s showing your never ending lack of love for me since you’re doing nothing but trying to keep me from finding happiness. only holding me down in your abyss of complacency and indifference. i don’t want to be there. i don’t want to be kept in the basement of your life while you get to still live on the outside. i want more. i deserve more. let me have it. please?
i don’t need the constant “how are you, i miss you, i love you” calls or texts or emails. iiiiiii know you fucked up. iiiiiii know how you should be feeling for the fucked up decisions you made when it came to me. i don’t care to have your enlightenment narrated to me. keep it to yourself. stay in pain by yourself. i’m moving on. i’m trying to gain the strength to let someone back in. i refuse to pass up a good thing just because i’m still healing from the pain you inflicted. i should be able to find happiness. being happy heals faster than time does. bitter time can reopen wounds. finding happiness speeds the healing. i want to be healed. i want to be over it. i want to move on. to be happy with someone else. to know i can trust again. to know i can love again. to be someone’s everything and to have someone be mine. i want to receive as well as give. i want to want without feeling needy or like i’m asking too much of someone. i want to not want because someone will already be giving me everything i need and everything i could ever dream to want.
i know i’m strong enough to go through all this bullshit, but why does that mean i have to keep going through it? | | |
| (From April 27th) Yes, my hiatus was longer than anticipated, and my apologies for that. But here, I go...
During my stay in Florida, I had very interesting events transpire. Both with men I saw myself marrying, which obviously is no longer the case with the new relationship now taking much more serious form than originally anticipated. I am now in a relationship working toward marriage, and these original plans I’d had with two men in Florida are now significantly altered. These men, however, are not taking this as easily as I am. One in Tampa that I’ve had an ongoing relationship with since I was eleven years old, and another in Orlando which I’ve had an interesting relationship with for the past few years or so; both men saying things this past vacation that I’d never hear them say. Men apparently feel just as vulnerable when they feel as though they are about to lose someone good in their lives. One saying, “If another man asks you to be the mother of his children, kick him in the balls for me. You’re too perfect not to be with me. It’s just not right.” The other saying he is going through some life changes and will then be able to bring me into his life as seriously as he’d like to. These are both things I wasn’t prepared to hear on what I thought would be a relaxing vacation.
Maybe I’m just naive. I thought although a man could be attracted to a woman, and they had a past, things could still be looked over and a normal friendship could take place. This apparently is not the case. With the first quote, of my being too perfect not to be with him... I will not argue I’m pretty amazing, but perfect? Hm, a bit extreme I think. If I am this man’s idea of perfection, I’m not sure he has standards high enough in his life. Although I do have much to offer someone, you should never put the label of “perfect” on anyone. It’s just too much pressure. What am I supposed to do with that? Why can’t someone find happiness with more than one person. You can’t have just one person that will make you happy the rest of your life. I’m not convinced. There are just too many people in the world. I think there are many, they’re just spread out, so it makes them harder to find. If this man is under the impression I am the only person for him, and he for me, his actions are bound to get even more irrational and unhealthy. This is not something I care to be around. This man came off as very desperate to me. I was legitimately scared. I’ve never seen that kind of desperation in a man’s eyes. And especially not over a woman. It was like a bad Lifetime movie. I was very prepared to defend myself if the situation became violent, and to call the police.
And with the other man, the one going through things... He’s an interesting one. He’s very close to the family, so it is a delicate situation. In the past, I had no problem with just giving him a test run. Having a fling with something that seemed forbidden. He, however, has taken the more serious approach. He is making life changes in order to try to incorporate me into his life in a more serious way. Before, this would have been something I was more than open to. This man is more than capable of supporting me. He already has children, which would work with my not caring to have any. He wouldn’t ask me for any.
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(From August 31st) I think it’s funny I found that past blog hiding in my computer. That was April... Wow... How so much and so many things can change so drastically over a month is amazing.
I have so much to update on. I think this blog will probably begin very choppy and then later I’ll get really long winded about the usual things, just like I used to.
June 8th I was proposed to in a bar with a rubber band. That was cute. I said yes. He set a date for next summer. He met my family. I met his. The day after I met his family he tells me he is still in love with his ex. Now, a month and some change later, I’m finally at a state where I can let go. I was one click away from booking a ticket away to escape again like I did the last time a fiance broke up with me. (Yeah, not pleased this is becoming a habit.)
Finally able to believe that someone else will love me. Someone else will want to marry me. Someone else worth my time will arrive and prove to me that third time’s a charm. I’ve been hurt more than any person should be allowed. All of this pain deserves something good soon, right? So I’m working on being open to others without going “on the rebound” because that could just end up dramatic, and that’s something I don’t need right now.
But there are two and a half guys I’m currently interested in. The half counts as another younger guy with a nice body and nice smile that I probably shouldn’t take seriously, but he will be ever so nice to look at. Haha. The other two are quality interests, both who seem like they will be a good change of pace for me.
One thirty, and one twenty six. The thirty year old has become increasingly impressive with his behavior and his actions and his responses to my situation. Despite my dramatic grieving process I went through, he was more than willing to stick it out, because he wasn’t going to leave me behind just because I was going through something for the moment. He understood I’d eventually get over it, and carry on with business as usual. I respect his outlook and appreciate his patience with me.
The twenty six year old is new to the picture, but impressed me with his honesty in interest. Met him at work. Slipped him a piece of paper that said “Call Me When You’re Sober” with my number underneath. This man called me the second he woke up the next morning. It was adorable. And then he took me out to lunch. Complete sweetheart, good head on his shoulders, good sense of direction. And he reminds me of home. Not the bad parts, just the good parts. He makes me feel comfortable. I don’t feel the need to impress him. Both of these men are ridiculously tall though. I apparently will have to start wearing heels more often. Dammit!
As far as the Florida men go... The one I’ve been carrying on with since I was younger, he and I no longer speak. Haven’t spoken since that trip. The older one with the gorgeous children... He and I hooked up during my last trip, and wow... Yeah, glad I tested those waters before going all in. Terrible terrible terrible sexual chemistry. I hate when men think they’re doing something when really it’s just pathetic. This happens usually when drunk. And what the hell is with the talking!? I do not need to play Simon Says. I’m a grown woman, dammit! And men have no reason being damn near forty and kissing like an over eager fifteen year old boy. YUCK! Maybe I’ll become a cougar, and hit up his son in ten or fifteen years. Haha!
I feel like I had a lot more to vent, but I neglected to blog it when I felt jaded and scorned, and now that I’m over it I see no need to write it. I lost that fire. That anger. There is nothing pushing that out of me anymore. I need to keep a written journal I can use when I don’t have my computer handy, it would really help with keeping my emotional happenings up to date for you all. How else will I be able to write a book if I can’t remember how I really felt, right?
As far as how I’m doing beyond the love life...
I’ve been promoted at work. I’m a manager now, and doing some accounting and clerk training and stuff during the day. On my way to being the Events Director for them. Pretty stoked about that. And although my hours have gotten a bit longer, I feel better about it because the pay is better. I actually have a paycheck! It’s a new thing for me. Haha!
Had health insurance, but they wouldn’t cover some procedure I needed done and I ended up having to come out of pocket $500. Called and told them that if I had to pay $500 for something they wouldn’t cover then I could no longer afford to pay them $200 a month for nothing. So I am, again, without health insurance. But apparently they do don’t do anything except take money from me without giving any back. So I’m going to be just fine without them.
I feel like I’m in an odd stage in my life. I feel too young to sit at home and do nothing when others are out being social, but too old to go out to clubs and such. I only go to bars where I know a large number of the customers or staff, and I rarely go alone. But I feel like I’m a bore to some of my other friends because my willingness to do a lot of things has just left me. Fewer parties now-a-days, don’t remember the last time I attended a house party, and I work in a bar/lounge/club, so I feel no need to deal with obnoxious strangers unless I’m on the clock. No money, no tolerance. I feel stuck between generations. My friends in their 20’s I feel much older than sometimes, and my friends in their 30’s can’t get past my age once they remember I’m still only 24. It’s frustrating. I feel like I’ve accomplished and experienced a lot more than not only people my age but many people older than I have, so I feel on a different level from everyone.
Trying to figure out my social circle... It’s constantly changing. With the exception of a few core best friends who will never change (Karimah, Jessica & Jaime from high school; Ajit & Cubie from college; and Brandon from work). Aside from that, I have no idea who will be waltzing in and out of my life by next week or next month. I need to become a better judge of character. A lot of shady muthafuckas been lingering, and I am not a fan of the drama and destruction they have caused.
I’ve lost 30 pounds in the past year! Was 185 and now down to 155 (152 on a good day!). I’m pretty excited about the new look! Finally have the flat stomach, the smaller waist, not jiggling in all the wrong places, feeling so much better about myself! Have no clue how I did it though. Lots of sex and less fried foods? Who knows! But looking to lose more. Not lookin to get skinny, I LOVE my curves and thighs, I’d just prefer to tone up and try and get rid of that cellulite in the legs. It’s not sexy.
Not sure there’s much else to update... Will try another blog by the weekend! By then I should be moved into the new house!! | | |
| Morning calls for pain relief
A line above the step beneath
The worst that you could do
And the best that you could hope for
Is hardly the best
Tepid water chase the pills
With turpentine & chamomile
And don't get cheap with the wine
You need to be up all of the time
Shield your eyes
Conceal your lies
Don't blink, everyone's watching
They'll think you're up to something
They need for you to be
Everything that they cannot
Morning calls for pain relief
A line above the step beneath
The worst that you could do
And the best that you could hope for
Is hardly the best
Tepid water chase the pills
With turpentine & chamomile
And don't get cheap with the wine
You need to be up all of the time
All of the time
Shield your eyes
Conceal your lies
Don't blink, everyone's watching
They'll think you're up to something
They need for you to be
Everything that they cannot
Don't blink, everyone's watching
They'll think you're up to something
They need for you to be
Everything that they cannot
Be themselves
Be themselves | | |
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